It has been a long time since i have written anything at all. Words are being ejaculated like bits of phlegm from a smoker's cough. A year or two ago i always had something to say, mostly i think, because i had an air of superiority brought on by some watered down version of leftist idealism. The idealism is being chipped away at by a score of events, mostly to do with the way 'the party' has shamed itself. I wish more ever that it was something worth believing in and fighting for. Now when it lies on the cusp of losing what power it had, i would like nothing more than to submit myself to it. The maoists cannot fill that void, at least for me. Firstly, because they are not (unlike the CPM) at their core an upper class elitist party. And more importantly, i would hope, i have engendered in myself a faith, not unlike that of american girls in unicorns and homo-erotic vampires, in the Indian state. I cannot believe that all it has done is wholly undesirable and cannot go to war against it. Lately, having 'sold out' on a massive scale, the small material benefits, and the large ones do in many cases seem to be what people desire. Social upliftment as defined by the liberal capitalist good life seems to be what they want. And while i have my own opinions on how and why they desire what they do and articulate it as they do, i no longer have the courage of conviction to call that opinion knowledge.
So now i do something i enjoy, and am suitably ashamed of enjoying, among people whom i would never interact with had my life taken the trajectory it was supposed to. In addition i am now unable to write. I shall learn again.
